Not who I thought I was

I took a good hard look in the mirror this weekend.  Not one of those lets see what I look like looks but one of those who I really am looks. 

I took a look at the details of my life.  Things like fatherhood and husbandry.  However I also looked at things like who do I surround myself with, who is "inner circle".  I also looked at things like am I as close to God as I thought I would be?

No this isn't one of those "pitty parties" it is just a personal evaluation.  

So as I examined myself things started to become more clear.  No I wasn't 20 anymore, nor am I close to death.  

I realize that we all set goals and have ambitions in life.  Things that I have fallen WAY short of. 

It's easy to throw myself under the bus or point fingers to place blame of why I am where I am.

I wish I be a patient listener like my pastor friends, or even a joyful person like Jocelyn or Juan.  I am SO jealous of what they have.  

Even now as I write this I'm thinking of how stupid this sounds. Maybe I need someone to kick me in the nuts or something.  

It just sucks that how different life would be if things really played out like they did when I was young slaying dragons in my bedroom.

My Secrets

   Yesterday I was on my FB page and a friend of mine posted this video that he found on youtube.  It was about how this suicide teenage girl shared her story through a series of note cards that was displayed without speaking a word she broke my heart.  Then I noticed in the "Related video" option there were a bunch similar teenagers with similar stories and similar videos.  As i watched my heart broke more and more.  My thought was simple.  Where were the people that claim to be "Christians"?  I know that your thinking that well they didn't ask for help.  Here is the thing.  I'm not throwing the "Christians" under the bus however I am asking "Where are we"?  "Why don't we stand up"?

   I remember when I was in the 7th grade.  I was having a friend of mine stay the night at my place.  Some of the "cool kids" found out and confronted me with the news.  You see I also hung out with them so their reputation was at risk.  Just because my friend was a foster kid and had some mental disabilities.  So there I stood in the hall way in front of about 20 of my fellow students with a choice to make.  My response was simple "Yea he is crashing at my house"!  The crowd paused for s second there were a few laughs but the one that asked me smiled as to congratulate me on sticking to my guns.

   I wish I had one other good story but the rest are all about how I was ridiculed for the friendships I had with the "uncool kids".   That seems to be a epidemic.  We question about why school shootings happen and call the shooters EVIL, CRAZY, COWARDS.  Well their actions as horrible and seemingly unforgivable.  We hear reports about how they were bullied and picked on.  So maybe just maybe if we reach out those that may not be as "cool" as us then we might just have the answers they are looking for.