Just Tired

I was standing and watching this kid getting his butt kicked.  I mean he was outnumbered with no chance of escaping the beating he was taking,  The surrounding crowd cheered as the beating continued.  It was hard for me to watch at the age of 10 years old.  Watching and just doing nothing to try to change the outcome of this young mans life.

So many times we find ourselves in a crowd of people that are cheering for the things that would devastate us if the things were happening to us.  Yet we watch and say nothing because of the overwhelming acceptance of the horror that is taking place.  We make excuses for not standing up when it was an obvious moment when we could have.  We are afraid of offending someone, or pissing someone else off or even putting ourselves in harms way.  The idea that standing up might just cost us something terrifies us.

We think that someone else will do something or maybe they are getting what they deserve.  Whatever the excuse you remain in a moment of frozen animation.  You justify your lack of action by not doing anything as a thought of it's none of my business or it's not happening to me so I'm not gonna get involved.

Well the truth of the matter is this.  Heaven and Hell are two very REAL places.  Now before you get your panties up in a bunch.  Here me out.  The problem is this.  We have grown accustomed to the idea that things will just "pan out".  Well if that is true then your motionlessness is justified but what if just what if you were put in this moment at this time to step in and try to change the outcome and the suffering and the pain in someones life. 

I'm tired of just standing by and saying to my self that "Well Jesus You take care of them."  Maybe the reason we are standing there watching this brutality is to step inside the circle and put ourselves in the line of fire.  Yea it's gonna hurt and your gonna bleed and get dirty.  You might even piss some people off and maybe loose some friends.  However the ONE taking the beating is in a spot were they need some one to step up and help them out.

Now I started with a story from my childhood.  Well I did something that day.  I stepped inside that circle and defended this stranger.  I would love to say that once I stood inside everything stopped.  Well it didn't and we fought until the teachers showed and broke us up.  The strangers name was Daniel and we became best friends after that.  We never went anywhere without each other.  Turn out he was my next door neighbor.  You see I had just moved into town and didn't have any friends until that day.

So my question or maybe challenge is this.  Aren't you tired of watching the brutality??  Then it's time to stand up.  It won't always be the popular thing.  But it's about pouring yourself into some one else to help them find the life that Jesus does talk about.

Jump

So there I stood like a million different kids had before me.  A stared down to what would surely be my watery death.  I stood looking down from the top of the high dive.  As every eye on the planet started up at me.  Which was really just a few of my friends and of course the kid behind waiting to see my demise.  Then I saw her look my way.  Her name will remain a secret but her glance gave me the courage to simply jump.  

It felt like an eternity as my 3 foot 5 inch 75 lb frame fell from the sky.  I really thought for a minute that I would fall forever.  Then came three crashing impact.  The cold pool water as it ripped the skin from my body.  As I resurfaced I took the gasp of air to bring me back from this watery grave.  I couldn't seem to breath.  So I struggled to get top the side as my "friends" laughed and applauded my perfectly executed (not on purpose) belly flop. 

As I got to the side I looked back up to the point of where I plummeted.  I didn't seem as high from this angle.  I pulled my self out of the pool just in time for this unnamed beauty to walk by and giggle.

My self confidence was shattered.  However my friends thought it was the craziest thing they ever saw.  So even though my pride took a hit my street cred went through the roof that day.

So I said all of that too bring this up.

"Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward."(Hebrews 10:35 AMP)

Every time I read this I think that event in my childhood.  I remember the nervousness, fear and the pain of the fall.  However I also remember the pure victory of having my friends go nuts. 

The same goes for us when we go fearlessly out and do the things that God is asking us.  On top of that I think He is even my pto us when we are afraid and do it anyway.  So let me leave you with this.  If the Holy Spirit is asking you to do something then just jump!!

Oh btw the girl later did tell me she thought it was pretty cool.  

The Process Sucks

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. (James 1:2-4 MSG)

This for a long time was my favorite verse in the Bible.  Until I had to live it out.  I mean the idea of being "mature" and "not deficient" thrilled me.   Then I had to live out the first part of the verse.  The part that gets over looted by the wanting of the result.  The "tests" and "challenges" SUCK!!. The thing is we can just pick and choose the ones we go through.  They have a way of picking us.  And if I was completely honest I haven't faced any of them with the idea of them being a "sheer gift".  In fact I have hated most of them.  Simply because they HURT!!. I have been reminded of the line in the movie of The Princess Bride where Wesley as the dread pirate Roberts barks at her the line.  "Life is pain".  It loses its humour when applied to real life.  At least for me.  

I also don't like the idea of not getting out of it.  I love getting out of painful situations.  Unless I'm getting a tattoo then bring it on.  So as this verse has wrapped itself around me.  I have felt it's grip just envelop me.  Now I understand that it's part of a process.  But it's the process that hurts.  However it's also the part where you gather strength and endurance.  So this verse has a whole new meaning for me.  Yea I love being a more mature person.  But I hate the process.  

Now if you're going through something which I'm sure you are.  I pray that you develop quickly.  

Kicking the door down

So in the past few months I've been on this journey.  I have been on this search for the perfect time, perfect moment, perfect condition to do the things that I feel Good has called me to do.   There have been several "bumps" in the road.  Things that I have taken as "closed doors".  So this is gonna be where the doesn't exactly start but defiantly continues.  So check it!! 

I was sitting in the kitchen of my grandmother-in-laws house at either Thanksgiving or Christmas times a few years back.  When I heard God speak.  He ask me to read the story of David and Goliath.  Which is found in 1Sameul 17:19-54. So I did, like I had a million times before.  When I was finished He asked "What do you think?". I sat kinda puzzled because I really didn't get anything ness out of it.  So He asked me to read it again.  So I did.  This went on for about 3-4 read throughs.  Each time I don't get anything. Then He pointed out a certain verse.  Verse 36 which reads:

"Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.” (1 Samuel 17:36 ESV)

I sat there in a moment of clarity figured out what the Holy Spirit was trying to get through to me.  It was the word "uncircumcised".  Now if you're a guy you whence a little. If you're not sure what that word means ask your mom.  Simply because your dad will be in too much pain to explain it.

Anyway you are the importance of that word was vital.  I mean the only people back then that were circumcised were male Isrealites.  It was a mark of the covenant they had with God.  So every time the took a leak they were reminded of their covenant.

It's because of the faith in that covenant and faith in God that David had the courage or should I say the balls to gave Goliath.  The crazy part of the story is that every soldier on that hill side had the same mark.

So what does that have to do with me.

Simply this Jesus extended that covenant to all mankind.  When He died on the cross for our soon to reconnect our covenant.   So since I have the same covenant with the Holy Spirit that David did then I have the same authority that David did. 

So with that being said let's activate that authority that comes with that covenant.

So if you want some prayer leave a prayer request or text me at 309-648-2897 and we will pray and get things done.

Songs that changed my life!!

Its easy to get on here and just complain about how things just SUCK!!  But that isn't my motive.  I mean there is to much time wasted on "ranting" but I do it.   It is kind of therapeutic for me.  However today I want to share some of my favorite song lyrics that have helped shape Chad into the man he is today.  Some of it you might laugh at but others you will be like that figures.

Anyway lets start out with one that might be a shocker!!

"You can stand me up at the gates of hell and I won't back down."  Tom Petty

This just sounded so ballsy the first time I heard it back in 89'.  It followed me and I turned over my "christian" leaf it totally had a new meaning.

"Will you let Me be the quiet in that storm you created?" Disciple "Be the quiet"

I was going through very hellish moment when this song met me.  I was broken and just pissed off at everything and everyone.  Then I heard this on accident and just cried!!  This song holds a special spot in me.

"Don't try to reach me, I'm already dead."  Jars of Clay "He"

This one hit me in a place that I was in total complete agony.  It just spoke to me that Jesus still loved me even though everything just felt dead to me.

"Some times our broken hearts are healed the moment we believe again."  Mortal "Rift"

This song brought so much joy and excitement to me that I still scream these lyrics and feel invincible.

"I'd rather take a shot in the chest. Than take a shot in the back.  At least I'll see it coming and I'll know where I'm standing at."  Pillar "Crossfire"

This speaks for itself.  I was so tired of getting shot in the back that the idea of taking a shot in the chest felt relieving.  I mean to look someone in the eye my hurt but at least you see the emotion behind it.  This song just flipping awesome!!

Then there is the songs that saved my life.....

"You found me broken in a place called misery.
"You found me full of hatred yet empty....And though I don't You why You value me.
I'm forever grateful for Your mercy."  Six Feet Deep "Release"

These are just a few of the songs that have totally impacted my life.   There countless more but these are just a sample.   Oh one more.

"We don't need no truth less heroes!"  Project 86

This pushes me to be truthful no matter what!!

Perfect drug for my addiction

So I have a confession to make.  I have a addictive personality.  Meaning that when I experience a "high" I LOVE it!!!  So I find myself trying to find ways to recreate that moment.  I used to have a rule I lives by and it was this.  "Let's see how close I can come to dying today without dying." So pretty much everyday I pushed myself to seek out those opportunities.   Now some days were more crazy than others but that is just what I did.

Now a few weeks ago I had an experience with the Holy Spirit that I have been trying to recreate.  I want that "high" I know it sounds stupid but like I said I have an addictive personality.  So in the past few weeks I have been waking up and simply saying " Ok Holy Spirit what are we doing?"  Now some days have been more productve than others however the rush has been there.   

Here is the thing.  Back in the day when I saw how close I could come to dying there were sometimes outside forces that "encouraged" me.  Sometimes weed and alcohol.  However they assisted with my most addictive drug.  Aderenaline!!  So all the weed I smoked or alcohol I drank I was searching for the adrenaline rush of cheating death one more time.  The thing is the more you do the more you do!!  

I kept hitting plateaus so that caused me to keep pushing the envelope.  I did a lot of stupid things.  I'm not gonna go into details right now but you can ask me later.

So I said all of that to say this.  I have hit a plateau.  So I have been trying to recreate that experience or "high".  It's crazy because I know that it's not supposed to be about how I feel.  But I it's how I am wired.  I wish the Bible was more about the "everyday" life of people instead of just the highlights.  So here is what I am gonna do.  

I'm gonna straight see how far I can push the envelope.  Not to recreate but to simply let the Holy Spirit take me wherever we are going.  I just need to relax and trust.  Yes there is nothing like praying for those guys at Mcd's that I felt like the Holy Spirit telling me to.  Seeing the smile in thier faces afterwards was a rush for me.  

 I just don't think I'm gonna get used to having this moments.  They are alYs gonna be a rush for me.  So Holy Spirit I don't want to ask You to come any more. I want You to stay so I can have this "high" as a way of life.  So let's do this!!  

The "new" Asylum

So it's 2:06 am and I'm sitting here just listening.   The house is quiet and the silence is deafening.  But yet I'm sitting here.   So what your about to read is pure and unfiltered Chad.   Those that have read my stuff before won't be shocked but for the first time reader this might come across a little crazy .

So I've been rethinking the current path The Asylum is taking.  Out of past success I just picked it up where I dropped it.  However it doesn't feel the same.   The Asylum and myself for that matter have changed in the past three years.   Which is probably a good thing. 

So with that being said the format is gonna change.  Meeting at Starbucks on Saturday mornings isn't working so it's been time to go to back the blueprint and check things out.

Now remember how I sad that this might some a little crazy well here is that part.  

I have recently had a 13 day stay in the hospital due to a blood infection which caused things to come to a complete stop!  Now as I layed there in my hospital bed with what felt like every antibiotic known to man being dumping into my veins.  I had some time to just feel hopeless and very depressed.  Now most people that visited me endured my overwhelming sarcasm or watched me fall asleep due to the pain meds for both I apologize. 

Anyway during one of the darker hours I descided to check the world of Facebook.  Now normally I just kind of skim all the ranting and complaining of the catch all that Facebook has become.  However something caught my eye.  A friend of mine posted how she went to a concert and talked to one of the artist about how the music touched her.   She asked something about how did they do it.  Now with a "classic" Christian response he gave a scripture verse.  Here is where I would normally keep scrolling because depressed as I was I didn't want to hear crap about how:

- God has a plan.

- Everything works out.

- God won't give you more than you can handle.

All of the typical Christian responses we are programmed to give.  Instead he simply gave the reference and told her this became his saving grace.  So as I read the reference and noticed it wasn't one of the typical New Testament ones.  It was Exodus 14:14.

14 GOD will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!” (Exodus 14:14 MSG)

So as I read the verse it took me a minute to process it.  Because The Holy Spirit has a way of kicking Chad in the balls!  Now the part that caught my attention was the "You keep your mouth shut" part.  I am king of pointing out everything that God isn't doing.  So to hear what sounded to me Him saying "SHUT UP and just watch".  I sat there in my hospital bed and began to cry.  Now I know everyone cries when they have an Holy Spirit experience.  However only one tear fell.  Because I was suddenly reminded of a prayer that a friend had recently prayed over me.  In it he called a "badass" and asked God t multiply it.  Granted at that time I didn't feel like a badass.  But now sitting in a hospital bed what better place is there to take a stand.  Now nothing instantly happened there wasn't a rushing mighty wind and he bed didn't shake.  The atmosphere inside of me changed.  

Ii spent another 5 days in the hospital.  Finely I was released and able to go home.  I was released on a Friday which was awesome.  Now I was home and the same demons of depression gripped me.  However this time I didn't say anything.  I jet kinda laughed thinking now you guys pissed the Holy Spirit off!  But nothing happened the thoughts stayed and were just as dominating as before.

A few day later I was invited to see a movie at church.  Now I am NOT  a big Christian movie fan.  However this one had the lead guitarist and bass player from Korn in it.  Now curiosity had me.  So I agreed to go.  Now that was a week after I got out of the hospital I wasn't 100% but I wanted to go.  So after I descided I went for a drive.   Then a question entered my head.  What if I woke up everyday and just ask the Holy Spirit without an agenda "what are we doing today?" Then listened and went.   Could I really live my life like that??

As I sat on that question I went to see the movie at church.  All I have to say is HOLY CRAP!!!  I sat in the back of the room by the door so I could mad a quick exit.  But as I witnessed this group of guys that were doing exactly thing that I had questioned earlier.  They got up everyday and jumped on planes and just followed the leading of the Holy Spirit.

So I was in tears and I just wepted and wepted.  Now before you think that I turned into some spiritual pussy and I'm living in a sudden mindset of " I'm blessed!"  I'm not!!   However instead of waiting for things to happen and reacting to it I have begun to take up the fight first.  I throw the first punch by simply saying "ok Holy Spirit what are we doing today?"  

Which is why I'm up at 2 in the morning and have spent the last hour writing this.

Anyway I mentioned The Asylum about an hour ago.  So here is he new plan of attack.  Simply this....waking up everyday and going out to see what the Holy Spirit has for me to do.  There will be Satrbuck meetings and Steak n Shake meetings.  So just watch for those.  I'm just gonna go out and look for people to pray for and watch what the God does.

So with that I want to pray for you....

Holy Spirit come and reveal Yourself.  Show them that You love them and You are crazy for them.  Reveal yourself today!  Thanks

Alright I'm done talk t you guys later!

Think

You'd think that I would be crushed by the weight of this heart of rock.

You'd think that I'd be cut to pieces forms the dreams that break like glass.

You'd think that the poison of unbelief  would eat me inside out.

You'd think that I'd grow numb from all the pain that resides.

You'd think that I'd suffocate from trying not to breath.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

You'd think that I'd lost my mind living with this insanity.

You'd think that tears would finally run dry.

You'd think that some kind of answer would fall from the sky.

You'd think that a cocktail of medication would provide some peace.

You'd think that hope would erase the fear.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

You'd think that somewhere besides the padded cell would be home.

You'd think that shadows are formed by a brighter light.

You'd think that there is no hope that lies within.

You'd think how could blood bring an answer

You'd think that trust is the only virtue.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

It caught my eye

So I was scrolling down my Facebook feed when a post caught my eye.  Not only didit catch my eye but it challenged my spirit man.   It's not a typical post that would do that but in my sick, twisted way of thinking it came across like a great sermon series!  The post was a picture of this middle aged women in a shower cap and 70's swimsuit holding a ironing board.  Now if that wasn't enough to get your attention the caption is what did it for me.  It read "Do epic shit" I thought "Wow that would make a great sermon series!"  Because if you think about it that is exactly what Jesus/Holy Spirit and a cast a characters in the Bible did!   

So here is my challenge!  Let's do some epic shit!!  I mean let's get out there and see what God will do if we are willing to put ourselves out there. So as you do epic shit let me hear about it.  I want to know what you did and how Jesus used the situation.  So on your mark get set GO!!   

All out of bubble gum

We have all scene the movie The Princess Bride and if you haven't you NEED to!!  Any way I have been in a pretty dark funk lately.  Seriously questioning my faith, God and everything that comes with it.  

(Oh did I fail to mention that this blog is gonna be brutally honest.). 

It's a incredible looooooong story but basically here is what is going on in the world of Chad.

My health is going down the pisser, so I have to take a cocktail of medication several times a day.  I have been diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) which is I curable.  I am constantly going in and out of Atrial Fibulation.  Which causes my legs to swell with all the excess water retention.  I have had FOUR eye surgeries in the past TWO years!  So all of that to say I feel like a puss pour husband and a piss pour father.  Oh did I mention that we are expecting our 4th boy in October!!  

So all of this crap is hitting the fan at once which is taking its toll on me spiritually as well.  I feel like I'm getting my anus cabanus kicked daily.  

I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I pissed God off!  So in my soul searching and daily rants about how much my life is sucking at the moment.   I mean I used to be a youth pastor that had a awesome youth ministry!  Me and Jesus were tight.  But something happened.  I have spent 5 years trying to figure everything out. 

Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  He said you need to "Go back to the beginning."  I was like what are You talking about?  Then in my head the movie The Princess Bride played.   Not the whole thing just this one scene.  The scene where Inigo Montoya was drunk and talking to himself.  "Ok you told me to go back to the beginning.  So here O am at the beginning."  

Now before you ask I did not get drunk and start waving a sword in the air.  I did however go back to the beginning.  

I pulled out the Bible I used when I was a youth pastor and the devotional that I used to read daily.  So with my sticker Bible and my Smith Wigglesworth devotional I went down to my office.  I sat down and cried!  

I let Godhear it all!!  About how I felt!  How the idea of Him "walking" with me wasn't enough.  Since He could make it all stop whenever He felt like.  So then I read the devotion through the tears.  

Romans 12:2c (The Message)

"God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you,"

I stopped and thought for a second.  

Every "hero" has a villian that is constantly trying to take them out.  

Every "hero" has a weakness.  That the villian tries and tries to wipe out the "hero".

I wiped my eyes and began to think.  I must have a destiny that is scaring the piss out of someone.  So if all of this crap is coming at I gotta fight through it!  That doesn't mean I'm not gonna have bad days.  However it does mean this.  That I am on the offensive!!  Hello my name is P-Fro and I here to kick butt and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum!!!  

Thank You Jesus for the call on my life!!

Hold your mouth right

So there I stood on the creek bank as I cast my bait into the water.  As the bobber danced on the service of the water a question formed in my head.  "How am I supposed to catch a fish?"  So I stood there hoping that something would latch itself to my hook.  I glanced over to my grandfather as he pulled out the first catch of the day.   It was a bluegill as big as his hand.  It was a definite keeper.  I ran over to see the fish and with a beaming smile I asked "How did you do that?"  My grandfather who us grand kids called "Pop".  Pop replied "I was just holding my mouth right."

So I went back a cast my line out again and stood there for about 45 minutes contortioning my mouth in every position possible.   Then suddenly my bobber went beneath the surface.   The battle was on.  I was so excited that I almost fell off the river bank.   As I reeled him in I proudly held it in my hands victoriously.  It was my first small mouth bass.  I rebaited my hook and cast it back out into the water.  Then I stood confused.  Pop asked me what was the matter?  I said can't remember how I was holding my mouth!

Now I know this story is simple minded.  However we have all done the same thing.  We pray and ask God to answer our prayers.   We wait with anticipation and hope that He answers us.  Then we begin to do things that might get His attention.  We try the things others have done and even the things that have worked for us in the past.  However sometimes our prayers go unanswered.  Now I'm not saying there aren't things that help.  However I think sometimes we focus on our actions more than trusting Jesus to answer.  So just to let you know that there isn't some secret formula to getting the answers we want.  All I do know is that:

Jesus loves us.

Jesus wants the best for us.

So now I ride a bicycle

Having children changes you.  You see things in a different light.   Most the time I am reminded about all the crap I put my parents through and what might be waiting for me when our boys get older.  

Well in the course of raising our boys have come with a few bumps and bruises and of course bloodshed and tears.  Some of the hardest for me have come through teaching them how to ride a bike.  I got first hand view on how God must seen me.  

First, there is the actual taking them into getting on the bike without the security of the training wheels for the first time.  Totally gripped by fear they cling to the bike like it has been part of them since birth.  As I would try to steady them so we could begin our journey down the drive way they wily beg and plead for me not to let them go.  

Then of course after a few trips back forth their courage grew.  Much like how our spiritual courage grows when Jesus begins to show us how to do the things he has equipped us to do.  

Then of course comes the fateful words "Let me go Dad!"  I hesitate at first then ask them are they sure?  With a voice of excitement they repeat again "Let me go!"  So I release them and observe their victory.  Although sometimes the victory is a short lived one.  As the crash into ground scrapping the flesh from elbows and knee caps which unleashes a flood of tears.  

As they looked back at me in a moment of disbelief and anger.  The thought of how could I have let that happen to them.  Like I was the cause of the wipeout.  

I catch a glimpse of what has gone on between God and myself.  As I pint out how He failed me or didn't protect me from certain devastation.

Then I hear myself say "You're OK." as I wipe the tears from their eyes and the gravel from their wounds.  Their world has been reduced to one moment of complete terror.  

So often I have found myself in the same scenario where I ask Jesus to use me and things end up in a hurtful bloody mess.  However even though those moments take place we still get back and climb back on the bike.

Why for the moments when we don't wipeout and learn a new trick that leaves us with sense of pure nirvana!!  

So now today I ride a bicycle so I can see how Jesus might use me to help others that might feel like they wiped out or that they feel like God abandoned them.