With all do respect

So if I sit down a write about what is going on it sounds like I am pissing and moaning.  Your response will be something like "Praying for ya" "Keep your head up"  "Better days are ahead"  or some other bullcrap like that. I understand that your trying to help but it really doesn't.  On the other hand if I get on here and shout out all the "blessings" I have.  Then your response will be something like "Isn't Jesus awesome"  "How Blessed you are" or at least something close.  So to stop any advice that you might have I read something this morning.  It was out of the book of Job.42: 5-6 

5 I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand-from my own eyes and ears!6 I'm sorry-forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor."

So here it is.   It doesn't matter what Jesus did back in the 20's or 60's.   I am not interested in hearing what He did last week.  It is about the NOW!!!!!  Much like Job I have been living off of hearsay.  I know He speaks to me often.  So that is what I a basing my belief in Him and the things he has for me.  So I understand you want to help but with all do respect SAVE IT!!!!!!

#hatebeingapuss

Sitting here next to my P90X DVD set.  Of course next to that is the equipment that I need to do the required exercises.   I can hear them taunting me. I kinda sucks but I understand that if I stick to it I will get stronger and better equipped to do the routine. Unfortunately I hear the negative more than the positive which only causes me not to want to do it.  I know that my "milkdud" "porkchop" body fights me every second of everyday.  It is really hard when there isn't instant results.  I know I know that in time I will see it.  The truth is I have seen it.  I have noticed a few changes.   However in my selfishness I want someone else see it.  It is such a different feeling when someone else sees things changing for the better.  It is just in my nature that when I hear anything positive changes my motivation.

Kinda the way I feel about my "spiritual" walk.  Most of the time I feel like I am totally blowing it.  However there are moments when I get a "atta boy"!!  I know that my "spiritual" and "physical" life is closely related.  When I feel empowered like I just did a killer workout or when I help a friend through a storm.  I just feel like I am unstoppable!!  Then there are workouts that just kick my anus-cabanus and i feel so flippin weak.  I hate being a puss!!  So the only way not to be a puss is to keep pushing play and stay in the shadow of Jesus.  So here I go!!  They are calling me see ya!!!

Harder to believe than not to

I have read many of the passages in the Bible about how the children of Israel chose to follow other gods and ticked God off.  I read and I have caught myself saying to the pages "Don't you remember what God said?"  It sometimes drives me crazy to read.  In those moments I have wondered what was it like to see God do the things He did.  Like the plagues and the crossing of the Red Sea.  Then days like yesterday happen.  I was having coffee with a friend of mine that I have had since I was in high school.  He asked me a question.  "So what is going on?  Catch me up in the life of chad."  That is when time seemed to stand STOP!!  In that moment God spoke to my heart and here is what He said.  "You have a choice right to shape your future. You can complain or you can worship Me.  Remember 'Obedience is better than sacrifice'.  So how are you gonna answer the question?"  There in that nano second I responded.  "Ok I am not gonna complain.  I gonna remember what You said!"  So then I proceeded to share what God has spoken to me over the past few months.Granted it hurt to talk about some of the stuff but at the center of it all was obedience.  I keep the story of King Saul in my head.  When he chose not to do the thing God told him to do to save face with the people and feed his ego.  It;s easy for me to point out all the stuff that hasn't happened yet but to focus on the promises of what God has for me.  It;s about believing.  It truly is harder to believe than not to.

Has it really been 18 years?

This time of year is really bitter sweet for me.  The reason being that on the 9th back in 93 I was in a horrible car crash.  My friend Brian and I had been out for a joyride but things went very bad very fast.  We flipped several times.  Which twisted the car into a pretzel.  Brian lost his life that night and for some unknown unexplained reason I survived.  I will never forget the aroma of that night.  How cold and how loud everything was then stone silence.  I think back of the events and there was nothing I could have done.  Brian was driving since it was his RX-7 twin turbo.  Then a short two weeks later my little brother crossed over into eternity on the 30th.  Both of them 17 years old with what we call "their whole life ahead of them".  I have had several thousand nightmares about both situations sometimes the bleed into each other.  I know that was one of the most trying times in my faith.  It's the words of my youth pastor the echo in my head every time the crap starts hitting the fan.  After my brothers funeral we were talking and he said "Nothing will be harder than this."   There have been painful moments since then but he was right.  Everything compared to that moment of time have been easier.  For a simple fact that Jesus walks with me.  We (Jesus and I) have a incredible relationship.  Knowing that even though this month is scarred with pain it also holds the moment when I gave my life to Jesus.  After climbing out of the twisted beer can of a car.  I was alone and in that cow field I met Jesus.  I quit drinking, smoking pot, and cigarettes all the same time.  I gave it all to Him.  So here I sit with a wife 3 boys and all the other stuff I never thought I would have.  18 years seems like a eternity.  We talk about moments that are unforgettable and time we cherish.  Well these are two of those times that I will never forget.

#nonetheless

I think we can all agree that God answers prayers in ways that we may not agree with.  Sometimes He answers in the totally opposite direction.  Which I have to admit that drives me CRAZY!!!  But anyway God has answered a prayer of mine.  I have been praying a prayer for the past 5 years or so.  Just waiting and standing and watching the whole thing just fall apart and crumble and turn to dust.  But none the less I have continued to pray and speak God's word over the situation.  I mean that is what the Bible says to do.Eph.6:13 "...having done everything, to stand firm." so I have been doing just that.  Now here we are watching God answer in a way I wasn't aware of until recently.  Now funny thing is some people are like SO excited for the answer we got but others are like SO pissed!!  It is just funny that they all are "saved"  and are very active in their churches.  It just is very frustrating to listen to all the bullcrap!!  I really just wish that people would just trust that we Carrie and I can hear from God and follow Him no matter where it takes us or what He asks us to do!!  I know I am ranting but the question remains.  Would God answer in a way for everyone to agree?  Probably not so I guess our response should be to trust God and the ones that are being obedient to what they hear from Him.

#redletterchristian

I think it's time to start operating in the power and authority that the RED letters meant us to.  Think about if we scratch that if I started to actually take the RED letters for real then things would change!!  So here it is the moment in time when EVERYTHING changes yet again.  You see I have to start lookin at the one in mirror instead the ones in the photo of my eye.  It has to start here.   No I am not saying that I am the only one.  It's time for us all but you see I am the only one responsible for me.  So here I go jumping off the deep end gonna push envelopes that didn't even know existed.  I just can't sit here and do nothing listening to others shuffle their cards.  I am playing my hand going all in.  So in the words of the Paul if you wanna see how to live WATCH this RED letter christian!!

#closerthanyouthink

Things have so shifted in my life in the last 40 some days.  The have been two things that have gotten stronger.  One my wife and I are closer and feel more together than ever before.  Secondly my personal relationship with God.  Is amazingly close!!  It's like the whole "walking with" Him thing.  I love that I am in a position that can hear and activate the things of God.  No longer worried about what other people think.  Not that ever really did.  But here I am to snatch the ones I can from the fires of hell.  It's about the relationship we all can have.

#mynumber1

So there is so much I wanna say but there isn't the words.  All I is that I am just hours away from finishing a 40 day fast.  There has been alot that I have learned.  The one thing I want to bring out is this.

On our wedding day I washed Carrie's feet sayin that I would serve her.  I did that with every intention of being the"man" she would always needed.  I've come close most of the time.  The thing when I would ask her opinion I would not really ask her.  It would be more like "Here's what I am doing what do you think?" It would be more of a statement than a question.  So Jesus has brought it to my attention that I need to value her opinion.  So with that being said.  I dont know if she will read this but if so " I love you and your opinion matters to me.  I want you to understand that you are number one." 

#sllloowwleey

I don't want to sit here and just complain.  I really want to listen.  But my heart hurts so bad that the pain of hard to ignore.  I wish I was one of those peeps that never flinched no matter what.  So what I have decided to do is this.  I am gonna take my pain and use it.  To push past this.  To use it to fuel my passion.  I will never again have to fight this battle again!!  Much like the battles I have fought now fuel my passion now!  It may take sometime for the hurt to go.  But I know this.  I am tougher than hell.

#letsseewhatwesee

So I am in a place that I never have been.  A place that I never thought I would be.  Even though I am totally right were I am suppose to be.  It sucks!!  But IF this is path that God has then I can't wait to see how God is gonna be glory to His name. 

I am reminded of the passage of the Bible about Joseph.  Were his life was founded on a dream.  Though it took him through a well, slave, prison, but rose to a great position of power were he saved his family.  So I guess if this is how I bring salvation to my family then bring it on.

#givingupeverything

So if I gave up everything.  Totally surrendering everything allowing the pain to come.  Allowing the vacancy to reside inside me.  Only to know nothing of the outcome.  Only relying on the words spoken over me.  All I can do is trust You.  Trust that all that You have promised is gonna happen.  Forget about all distractions and all noise and rest in Your peace.

#pissingandmoaning

So here it is.  I am done!!  I just gotta pick myself up.  Put my feet on the floor and stand up!   My heart might be broken but I am still called by God.  My wife and our 3 boys are my biggest mission field.  I am called to be a husband and father.  Thank You Jesus for loving me.

#Pickingmyheartoffthefloor

Well here is the day after....All I have is the lyrics to a Showbread song.  "Father my heart is all I have to give to You"  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  A thousand concerns on me.  Like "What now?", "What about the kids in The Asylum?".  It's like I am learning to live all over again.  The past 18 years I have been involved in youth ministry on one level or another.  Now there is this vacancy in me.  I am trying real hard not to snap on people.  Everything from "God has a plan" and "Your still in the ministry".  The thing is I can't put the pieces back together.  I am crushed.  I know it will get better.  I know that I will get used to it.  But I really don't want to.  I feel like the devil won.  So here I go the first day of the rest of my.  Here is to a true kickmeinthecrotchfantastic day!!

Sometimes the answer is NO

I can't believe that I have been so slow to learn.  I am tired of trying to push this boulder up hill.  I have a couple of things to say. Well after eighteen years I need to admit that the answer is NO!  I have come to the end of what I have tried to make happen.  But I have enjoyed the past 10 years of ministry in the P-town area.  So with that being said The Asylum is NOT gonna happen.  Sorry if this disappointing but I have to take care of some personal stuff.  The whole removing the "plank" thing.  So thanks for hanging out but I AM OUT!!

The space between

I know that the hardest time for me is the in between time.  Like when your in the process.  I know that this is where growth takes place.  However that doesn't help me at all.  I mean that I just wanna get things over with.  There have been so many times that I have failed because of my impatience.  This time is different.  This time I have to finish the process.  There is to much at stake.  So Father help me.  I have planned my work now I have work my plan.  So here I go time to finish strong!!

Fresh Air

So after a couple of days from only can be compared to hell.  I had a kickmeinthecrotchfantastic day!!  Thank You Jesus!!!  I am so excited about the future it seems unreal!!  To sit and talk to a pastor and hear the same verbage was like a breath of fresh air.  Thank You Jesus!!  I can't put it any other way other than holy crap!!!  Can't wait for Sunday b/c The Asylum is gonna storm the gates of hell!!

Stupid pen and paper

So I had the most important meeting yesterday.  I flamed out!!!  It couldn't have any worse then if I set myself on fire.  There I was trying to raise money for the asylum and I didn't even have a flippin pen on me!  I couldn't believe how are unprofessional I looked.  All I know is that will never happen again.  I stayed up all night working on my message and developing a mission statement.  That way the next time someone asked me what the asylum is all about I'll b a little bit exactly what were about.  It was incredibly painful yesterday but I learned something.  I have to be ready to instantly give an answer of why is The Asylum exists.

It is what it is

You know how much I want to become the man I was ment to be?  If I think about it to much I just want to cry.  The thing is I know that I am on my way.  Simple obedience sometimes can be the kickmeinthecrotchfantastic moment that I need.  Knowing You is the greatest thing.  I know if I stay in the place of obedience I am right were You want me.  So even if it hurts and even if it is inconvenient I must stand.  So Father here I am to serve You.

Cause I know you don't understand...

I love love love the fact God and my Provider!!  Thank You Jesus!!!  I feel like right now that I am starring down the hillside at this giant running his mouth!!  I am surrounded by all these battle trained men.  Wondering why these threats burn me so deep!!!  This hits so close to home.  That it is like I see Bryan in all of them.  I can hear the screams and the disappointment in his emptiness!!   They haunt me, they drive me, they motivate me.  I know I can't silence them but I can prevent them from having company!!  So that is why this giant that stands  in front of has to be beheaded!!!   So here I stand looking for help but I know that I have to face this alone and in front of everybody at the same time!!  kickmeinthecrotchfantastic is a understatement!!

Gonna rise from the ashes....

So I know that I am supposed to walk by faith, but sometimes I the things I am "walking " for would show up.  So yesterday as I was in a moment of worship and felt like I had a break through.  Now it has been a constant flood of thoughts how I am still down in it!!!  Which is funny b/c I have been reading a book called "The 4:8 Principle which is about controlling your thought life.  Now it isn't that I am not gonna have negative thoughts it's just about focusing things the ones that are promises from God.   The devil wants to steal my joy and my peace so I need to remember the promises!!  God doesn't lie so today is gonna be AWESOME!!!!

Got the crap kicked out of me...

(REMEMBER THIS IS BETWEEN JESUS AND ME)

So yesterday was the last day of summer vacation.  So I tried to make a good day for the boys.  Went McD's for bfast in Washington b/c a indoor playground then went the zoo.  Not San Diego but oh well.  Came home the boys had lunchable pizzas for lunch.  watch a couple of movies then church last night.  Service went pretty well.  There was this nagging thought that wouldn't leave me.

Someone at the zoo that apparently hasn't been to RC in like 5 years said more like yelled "Hey there is the youth pastor from RC!!"   I was looked back to see if Juan Rios was behind me.  He is the youth pastor from RC.  I corrected her that I was at one time.  So this all went down in about 30 seconds.  I just kept walking.  Then I was asked about how much I got paid as a youth pastor!!  By someone else.   That was the straw.  I just lost it.  It was just a flippin disaster...my ministry that is!!  I don't know why it bothered me yesterday.  I don't want tot just sit and complain and moan but You are my healer!!!  Thank You for bringing bands like P.O.D. and Project 86b into my life.  B/c the song THE BUTCHER by Project 86 has totally spoke to my heart.  It's time to get it on!!!

Hotdogs for what?!!!!

First You are so flippin AWESOME!!  I just knew You were up to something.  I logged in on FB and noticed my fellow warrior in youth ministry struggling!!  I said inside myself "I gotta do something!" So I did.  Put it on FB the things we needed.  And I heard from people that I haven't heard from in years!! I also heard from my former church home RCpeoria.org  they pitched in as well.   Thank You Jesus for relationships and for hearts that are interested in changing kids lives through sk8ing and hotdogs and soda.  Talk bout a kickmeinthecrotchfantastic day!!!

A notebook, a Bible, and a fire

(Ok first let me remind you that this is a conversation with God/Jesus/H.S.)

Last night was awesome!!  I really enjoyed hanging by the fire.  I mean that is how all the greats did it. Abraham,Moses,David and Jesus just them a fire and the presence of the most high.  It was cool to have a conversation where there were no distractions.  I love that we You and I have open communication.  I can't wait to see what the next 140 days holds.  I know that it's gonna hurt but I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.  I understand that the pruning process probably never stops so it is gonna be a kickmeinthecrotchfantastic time!!  Oh yea today i am gonna worship you the way I do not to get attention but just to honor you!!  I hope you can see me through all the other stuff.  It can get pretty dramatic at least from my point of view.  It probably looks different from Your view at least I hope it does.

When is gonna be....

I don't want to get on here and just start gripping!!  I really wish I could be one of those people that seem to have it all together. (even though they don't)  I want to sit here and just write about how awesome God is.  I want to get on here and change someone!!  I want that when my time on this rock called earth is over that I would have made it just a little better.  So instead of just venting my daily CRAP!!!  I am gonna talk to Jesus!!  So if you want to listen in you are more than welcome.  So grab your god in a cup (tanzanian peaberry) and just please turn you cell phone to vibrate.

First I want to say thank You for always listen to all my bullcrap!!  I'm sure you hear plenty through out the day. I was thinking about how we have talked about my future.  How You have this incredible plan for The Asylum.  Well I really want it to be everything you want it to be.  I also know that I have somethings to do before that takes place.  I just don't feel like I am strong enough.  But I do know this that if the dream wasn't bigger than me then it didn't come from you.  What is it gonna take for me to do this?  It just seems so easy to just maintain rather than growing anymore.  I mean I guess I am just scarred that I am not gonna be able to do it.  So I guess I have a choice.  Go where you called me or die here just inside the promise.  Just inside the promise without experiencing the full promise.  That would suck so bad!!  To come this far and get a chance to experience the promise.  So that would truly be kickmeinthecrotchfantastic!!  So the question remains...when is it gonna be my turn???