#closerthanyouthink

Things have so shifted in my life in the last 40 some days.  The have been two things that have gotten stronger.  One my wife and I are closer and feel more together than ever before.  Secondly my personal relationship with God.  Is amazingly close!!  It's like the whole "walking with" Him thing.  I love that I am in a position that can hear and activate the things of God.  No longer worried about what other people think.  Not that ever really did.  But here I am to snatch the ones I can from the fires of hell.  It's about the relationship we all can have.

#mynumber1

So there is so much I wanna say but there isn't the words.  All I is that I am just hours away from finishing a 40 day fast.  There has been alot that I have learned.  The one thing I want to bring out is this.

On our wedding day I washed Carrie's feet sayin that I would serve her.  I did that with every intention of being the"man" she would always needed.  I've come close most of the time.  The thing when I would ask her opinion I would not really ask her.  It would be more like "Here's what I am doing what do you think?" It would be more of a statement than a question.  So Jesus has brought it to my attention that I need to value her opinion.  So with that being said.  I dont know if she will read this but if so " I love you and your opinion matters to me.  I want you to understand that you are number one." 

#sllloowwleey

I don't want to sit here and just complain.  I really want to listen.  But my heart hurts so bad that the pain of hard to ignore.  I wish I was one of those peeps that never flinched no matter what.  So what I have decided to do is this.  I am gonna take my pain and use it.  To push past this.  To use it to fuel my passion.  I will never again have to fight this battle again!!  Much like the battles I have fought now fuel my passion now!  It may take sometime for the hurt to go.  But I know this.  I am tougher than hell.

#letsseewhatwesee

So I am in a place that I never have been.  A place that I never thought I would be.  Even though I am totally right were I am suppose to be.  It sucks!!  But IF this is path that God has then I can't wait to see how God is gonna be glory to His name. 

I am reminded of the passage of the Bible about Joseph.  Were his life was founded on a dream.  Though it took him through a well, slave, prison, but rose to a great position of power were he saved his family.  So I guess if this is how I bring salvation to my family then bring it on.

#givingupeverything

So if I gave up everything.  Totally surrendering everything allowing the pain to come.  Allowing the vacancy to reside inside me.  Only to know nothing of the outcome.  Only relying on the words spoken over me.  All I can do is trust You.  Trust that all that You have promised is gonna happen.  Forget about all distractions and all noise and rest in Your peace.

#pissingandmoaning

So here it is.  I am done!!  I just gotta pick myself up.  Put my feet on the floor and stand up!   My heart might be broken but I am still called by God.  My wife and our 3 boys are my biggest mission field.  I am called to be a husband and father.  Thank You Jesus for loving me.

#Pickingmyheartoffthefloor

Well here is the day after....All I have is the lyrics to a Showbread song.  "Father my heart is all I have to give to You"  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.  A thousand concerns on me.  Like "What now?", "What about the kids in The Asylum?".  It's like I am learning to live all over again.  The past 18 years I have been involved in youth ministry on one level or another.  Now there is this vacancy in me.  I am trying real hard not to snap on people.  Everything from "God has a plan" and "Your still in the ministry".  The thing is I can't put the pieces back together.  I am crushed.  I know it will get better.  I know that I will get used to it.  But I really don't want to.  I feel like the devil won.  So here I go the first day of the rest of my.  Here is to a true kickmeinthecrotchfantastic day!!

Sometimes the answer is NO

I can't believe that I have been so slow to learn.  I am tired of trying to push this boulder up hill.  I have a couple of things to say. Well after eighteen years I need to admit that the answer is NO!  I have come to the end of what I have tried to make happen.  But I have enjoyed the past 10 years of ministry in the P-town area.  So with that being said The Asylum is NOT gonna happen.  Sorry if this disappointing but I have to take care of some personal stuff.  The whole removing the "plank" thing.  So thanks for hanging out but I AM OUT!!

The space between

I know that the hardest time for me is the in between time.  Like when your in the process.  I know that this is where growth takes place.  However that doesn't help me at all.  I mean that I just wanna get things over with.  There have been so many times that I have failed because of my impatience.  This time is different.  This time I have to finish the process.  There is to much at stake.  So Father help me.  I have planned my work now I have work my plan.  So here I go time to finish strong!!

Fresh Air

So after a couple of days from only can be compared to hell.  I had a kickmeinthecrotchfantastic day!!  Thank You Jesus!!!  I am so excited about the future it seems unreal!!  To sit and talk to a pastor and hear the same verbage was like a breath of fresh air.  Thank You Jesus!!  I can't put it any other way other than holy crap!!!  Can't wait for Sunday b/c The Asylum is gonna storm the gates of hell!!

Stupid pen and paper

So I had the most important meeting yesterday.  I flamed out!!!  It couldn't have any worse then if I set myself on fire.  There I was trying to raise money for the asylum and I didn't even have a flippin pen on me!  I couldn't believe how are unprofessional I looked.  All I know is that will never happen again.  I stayed up all night working on my message and developing a mission statement.  That way the next time someone asked me what the asylum is all about I'll b a little bit exactly what were about.  It was incredibly painful yesterday but I learned something.  I have to be ready to instantly give an answer of why is The Asylum exists.

It is what it is

You know how much I want to become the man I was ment to be?  If I think about it to much I just want to cry.  The thing is I know that I am on my way.  Simple obedience sometimes can be the kickmeinthecrotchfantastic moment that I need.  Knowing You is the greatest thing.  I know if I stay in the place of obedience I am right were You want me.  So even if it hurts and even if it is inconvenient I must stand.  So Father here I am to serve You.