Think

You'd think that I would be crushed by the weight of this heart of rock.

You'd think that I'd be cut to pieces forms the dreams that break like glass.

You'd think that the poison of unbelief  would eat me inside out.

You'd think that I'd grow numb from all the pain that resides.

You'd think that I'd suffocate from trying not to breath.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

You'd think that I'd lost my mind living with this insanity.

You'd think that tears would finally run dry.

You'd think that some kind of answer would fall from the sky.

You'd think that a cocktail of medication would provide some peace.

You'd think that hope would erase the fear.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

You'd think that somewhere besides the padded cell would be home.

You'd think that shadows are formed by a brighter light.

You'd think that there is no hope that lies within.

You'd think how could blood bring an answer

You'd think that trust is the only virtue.

You'd think that??

Wouldn't you??

It caught my eye

So I was scrolling down my Facebook feed when a post caught my eye.  Not only didit catch my eye but it challenged my spirit man.   It's not a typical post that would do that but in my sick, twisted way of thinking it came across like a great sermon series!  The post was a picture of this middle aged women in a shower cap and 70's swimsuit holding a ironing board.  Now if that wasn't enough to get your attention the caption is what did it for me.  It read "Do epic shit" I thought "Wow that would make a great sermon series!"  Because if you think about it that is exactly what Jesus/Holy Spirit and a cast a characters in the Bible did!   

So here is my challenge!  Let's do some epic shit!!  I mean let's get out there and see what God will do if we are willing to put ourselves out there. So as you do epic shit let me hear about it.  I want to know what you did and how Jesus used the situation.  So on your mark get set GO!!   

All out of bubble gum

We have all scene the movie The Princess Bride and if you haven't you NEED to!!  Any way I have been in a pretty dark funk lately.  Seriously questioning my faith, God and everything that comes with it.  

(Oh did I fail to mention that this blog is gonna be brutally honest.). 

It's a incredible looooooong story but basically here is what is going on in the world of Chad.

My health is going down the pisser, so I have to take a cocktail of medication several times a day.  I have been diagnosed with CHF (congestive heart failure) which is I curable.  I am constantly going in and out of Atrial Fibulation.  Which causes my legs to swell with all the excess water retention.  I have had FOUR eye surgeries in the past TWO years!  So all of that to say I feel like a puss pour husband and a piss pour father.  Oh did I mention that we are expecting our 4th boy in October!!  

So all of this crap is hitting the fan at once which is taking its toll on me spiritually as well.  I feel like I'm getting my anus cabanus kicked daily.  

I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong and how I pissed God off!  So in my soul searching and daily rants about how much my life is sucking at the moment.   I mean I used to be a youth pastor that had a awesome youth ministry!  Me and Jesus were tight.  But something happened.  I have spent 5 years trying to figure everything out. 

Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  He said you need to "Go back to the beginning."  I was like what are You talking about?  Then in my head the movie The Princess Bride played.   Not the whole thing just this one scene.  The scene where Inigo Montoya was drunk and talking to himself.  "Ok you told me to go back to the beginning.  So here O am at the beginning."  

Now before you ask I did not get drunk and start waving a sword in the air.  I did however go back to the beginning.  

I pulled out the Bible I used when I was a youth pastor and the devotional that I used to read daily.  So with my sticker Bible and my Smith Wigglesworth devotional I went down to my office.  I sat down and cried!  

I let Godhear it all!!  About how I felt!  How the idea of Him "walking" with me wasn't enough.  Since He could make it all stop whenever He felt like.  So then I read the devotion through the tears.  

Romans 12:2c (The Message)

"God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you,"

I stopped and thought for a second.  

Every "hero" has a villian that is constantly trying to take them out.  

Every "hero" has a weakness.  That the villian tries and tries to wipe out the "hero".

I wiped my eyes and began to think.  I must have a destiny that is scaring the piss out of someone.  So if all of this crap is coming at I gotta fight through it!  That doesn't mean I'm not gonna have bad days.  However it does mean this.  That I am on the offensive!!  Hello my name is P-Fro and I here to kick butt and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum!!!  

Thank You Jesus for the call on my life!!

Hold your mouth right

So there I stood on the creek bank as I cast my bait into the water.  As the bobber danced on the service of the water a question formed in my head.  "How am I supposed to catch a fish?"  So I stood there hoping that something would latch itself to my hook.  I glanced over to my grandfather as he pulled out the first catch of the day.   It was a bluegill as big as his hand.  It was a definite keeper.  I ran over to see the fish and with a beaming smile I asked "How did you do that?"  My grandfather who us grand kids called "Pop".  Pop replied "I was just holding my mouth right."

So I went back a cast my line out again and stood there for about 45 minutes contortioning my mouth in every position possible.   Then suddenly my bobber went beneath the surface.   The battle was on.  I was so excited that I almost fell off the river bank.   As I reeled him in I proudly held it in my hands victoriously.  It was my first small mouth bass.  I rebaited my hook and cast it back out into the water.  Then I stood confused.  Pop asked me what was the matter?  I said can't remember how I was holding my mouth!

Now I know this story is simple minded.  However we have all done the same thing.  We pray and ask God to answer our prayers.   We wait with anticipation and hope that He answers us.  Then we begin to do things that might get His attention.  We try the things others have done and even the things that have worked for us in the past.  However sometimes our prayers go unanswered.  Now I'm not saying there aren't things that help.  However I think sometimes we focus on our actions more than trusting Jesus to answer.  So just to let you know that there isn't some secret formula to getting the answers we want.  All I do know is that:

Jesus loves us.

Jesus wants the best for us.

So now I ride a bicycle

Having children changes you.  You see things in a different light.   Most the time I am reminded about all the crap I put my parents through and what might be waiting for me when our boys get older.  

Well in the course of raising our boys have come with a few bumps and bruises and of course bloodshed and tears.  Some of the hardest for me have come through teaching them how to ride a bike.  I got first hand view on how God must seen me.  

First, there is the actual taking them into getting on the bike without the security of the training wheels for the first time.  Totally gripped by fear they cling to the bike like it has been part of them since birth.  As I would try to steady them so we could begin our journey down the drive way they wily beg and plead for me not to let them go.  

Then of course after a few trips back forth their courage grew.  Much like how our spiritual courage grows when Jesus begins to show us how to do the things he has equipped us to do.  

Then of course comes the fateful words "Let me go Dad!"  I hesitate at first then ask them are they sure?  With a voice of excitement they repeat again "Let me go!"  So I release them and observe their victory.  Although sometimes the victory is a short lived one.  As the crash into ground scrapping the flesh from elbows and knee caps which unleashes a flood of tears.  

As they looked back at me in a moment of disbelief and anger.  The thought of how could I have let that happen to them.  Like I was the cause of the wipeout.  

I catch a glimpse of what has gone on between God and myself.  As I pint out how He failed me or didn't protect me from certain devastation.

Then I hear myself say "You're OK." as I wipe the tears from their eyes and the gravel from their wounds.  Their world has been reduced to one moment of complete terror.  

So often I have found myself in the same scenario where I ask Jesus to use me and things end up in a hurtful bloody mess.  However even though those moments take place we still get back and climb back on the bike.

Why for the moments when we don't wipeout and learn a new trick that leaves us with sense of pure nirvana!!  

So now today I ride a bicycle so I can see how Jesus might use me to help others that might feel like they wiped out or that they feel like God abandoned them.

Not who I thought I was

I took a good hard look in the mirror this weekend.  Not one of those lets see what I look like looks but one of those who I really am looks. 

I took a look at the details of my life.  Things like fatherhood and husbandry.  However I also looked at things like who do I surround myself with, who is "inner circle".  I also looked at things like am I as close to God as I thought I would be?

No this isn't one of those "pitty parties" it is just a personal evaluation.  

So as I examined myself things started to become more clear.  No I wasn't 20 anymore, nor am I close to death.  

I realize that we all set goals and have ambitions in life.  Things that I have fallen WAY short of. 

It's easy to throw myself under the bus or point fingers to place blame of why I am where I am.

I wish I be a patient listener like my pastor friends, or even a joyful person like Jocelyn or Juan.  I am SO jealous of what they have.  

Even now as I write this I'm thinking of how stupid this sounds. Maybe I need someone to kick me in the nuts or something.  

It just sucks that how different life would be if things really played out like they did when I was young slaying dragons in my bedroom.

My Secrets

   Yesterday I was on my FB page and a friend of mine posted this video that he found on youtube.  It was about how this suicide teenage girl shared her story through a series of note cards that was displayed without speaking a word she broke my heart.  Then I noticed in the "Related video" option there were a bunch similar teenagers with similar stories and similar videos.  As i watched my heart broke more and more.  My thought was simple.  Where were the people that claim to be "Christians"?  I know that your thinking that well they didn't ask for help.  Here is the thing.  I'm not throwing the "Christians" under the bus however I am asking "Where are we"?  "Why don't we stand up"?

   I remember when I was in the 7th grade.  I was having a friend of mine stay the night at my place.  Some of the "cool kids" found out and confronted me with the news.  You see I also hung out with them so their reputation was at risk.  Just because my friend was a foster kid and had some mental disabilities.  So there I stood in the hall way in front of about 20 of my fellow students with a choice to make.  My response was simple "Yea he is crashing at my house"!  The crowd paused for s second there were a few laughs but the one that asked me smiled as to congratulate me on sticking to my guns.

   I wish I had one other good story but the rest are all about how I was ridiculed for the friendships I had with the "uncool kids".   That seems to be a epidemic.  We question about why school shootings happen and call the shooters EVIL, CRAZY, COWARDS.  Well their actions as horrible and seemingly unforgivable.  We hear reports about how they were bullied and picked on.  So maybe just maybe if we reach out those that may not be as "cool" as us then we might just have the answers they are looking for.